its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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