so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
