Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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