I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
