he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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