Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
