You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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