i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
