I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
And then he peed in my hair
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