I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
