I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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