how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
