Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
