He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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