my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
