cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
