dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize