Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
