I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
