i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
