Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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