fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize