yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
