yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
