I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
