I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
