I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
