Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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