I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
it was like eating out sand paper
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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