So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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