just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
