take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
