Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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