Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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