so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize