I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
