Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
