u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
