I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
