oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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