I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
