You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
