I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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