Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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