you would pick up someone in the library
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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