sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize