sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
