4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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