Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
