who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
