I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
