True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
