2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
