Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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