$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
