You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
