mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
