I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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