Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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