how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I would ride that face into the sunset
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
