i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
